Turning Back
by White Wolf Guard
Summary: I am a diehard supporter of Highland, and I am Seed's biggest fan, so this story is about Seed and his thoughts before and during the final battle in Suikoden II.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer:

This is a Suikoden II fan-fiction. I don't own Seed (but he can own me), Culgan, Highland, or any of that Suikoden stuff, nor do I own the lullaby, Baby Mine. Listen to the version by Allison Krauss!

**Turning Back**

by Billie

Chapter 1

Waking with a start, Seed sat up in bed, brushing a bead of sweat from his brow. "Urrgh…" he grunted and looked around the tent to surmise the time, feeling as though he'd hardly slept at all. Seed didn't worry about waking Culgan, the only person he shared the tent with. Culgan slept like a rock.

_Mother… _

A twinge of self-reproach distressed him as he heard his mother's silent voice in his head.

_ Why couldn't she leave… _

While slowly lying back down in his bed, he felt the algid air prowl onto his damp skin, giving him a brief cold sweat. He pulled the sheets over his body, closed his eyes, and let out a long, shaky sigh. _"Baby mine, don't you cry… Baby mine, dry your eyes…"_ Recalling the melody and voice of his mother singing the comforting song he'd adored as a child sent a shiver up his spine. Vexed, Seed threw the sheets off of his body and stumbled through the darkness until he found the tent flaps. Tempted to go outside and strike up a conversation with one of the guards, Seed sat down by the tent door, holding it slightly ajar for a breath of fresh air.

Highland was losing the war. Many men believed it was the death of Luca Blight that brought their misfortune but failed to realize how insane and disgraceful to Highland he really was. Sometimes Seed felt responsible for what was happening to the country, but it was out of his control.

Seed and Culgan both pledged their loyalty to Jowy because his dreams and goals for Highland were the same as theirs. He'd wanted a peaceful country where kids wouldn't be the orphans of murdered parents. Luca didn't care about his country; he only lusted for death and destruction. Still, others believed their new king, Jowy Atreides, who married the last surviving heir to the throne, Jillia, and adopted the family royal name, failed them when he squandered their best chance of killing Riou, the leader of the Jowston army, when they met at Jowston Hill in Muse. Some were losing faith in the Ruler and the Guardian while others were just beginning to put their faith forward.

Anger, sorrow, hope, and fear all loomed in the darkness those somber nights, but most of all there was pride. Highland was beautiful and derived from the powerful country of Harmonia. Even though Highland was not all that large, She was just as strong or more so than other countries twice Her size. A lot of soldiers would have been happy if a treaty was signed at Jowston Hill, but more soldiers still wanted justice. Men were seeking vengeance for the children of the Unicorn Brigade who were massacred just after the cease-fire was signed. Everyone but Riou and Jowy were still oblivious to Luca's and Rowd's treachery. These men who sought justice had become beasts themselves. They were unshakable. They fought for months; time was lost to them, because they wanted to be victorious. Only now Highland was fighting more to survive than for revenge.

_We can't lose Her. _

Trees of the richest green, the azure blue that dominated the sky, the mellifluous sound of the streams racing through Highland, but most of all the melancholic howls of the wolves were attributes only Highland could ever have. Like the wolves, the Beast rune found its way to Highland and adopted the land as its own.

_They'll attack us again soon now that they're confident…Damn._

Leon failed the Highland army by being lured into a trap. The Jowston Army was in Highland territory when they set the forest ablaze, chasing the army further from the Highland-Jowston border. Shu was well prepared, as usual, and Leon was astounded.

"We're moving again in an hour."

Seed was in such a daze that he hadn't noticed Leon step in front of the tent to speak to him.

"Seed."

"In an hour," he confirmed, so Leon would leave him alone.

"Get some rest."

"……"

Sensing Seed's despair, Leon added, "Don't forget what we have on our side."

Seed looked up at Leon and nodded to him before he walked away. Remembering the golden wolves that ran rampant through Muse, Seed felt uneasy. The Beast Rune… it was the Guardian of Highland, but it was like a demon.

It wasn't hard to keep his mind on the war at hand, but it was hard not to think of his mother at the same time. Seed found himself biting back tears at both thoughts and under his breath cursed Culgan for always being right, in this case, about his strong emotions and lack of control of them. He let the tent flap fall into place and the darkness envelop him as he made his way back to his cot. The harder he tried to forget his memories, especially those of his mother, the worse he felt inside, but eventually, he fell asleep.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, this is a short chapter. I wrote this story a long time ago (like 5 years ago), and it was 6 chapters long. I never posted it because I didn't like it enough. So, I'm changing it up a bit and it will probably be about half as long as the original. I hope it's still enjoyable though. Most of it is sort of angsty (I know, I know, that's no fun) but honestly, how would you feel if your country was about to lose a war? Anyway, I'm really hoping I can use this story as practice for writing something original. Also, I know that the references to Seed's mother might seem a bit out of place, but the original first chapter was some 13 pages long and it made a lot of sense then. However, I want to incorporate bits and pieces of my original first chapter into the new chapter 3, so it might make a little more sense later on. Thanks for reading! (Be gentle.)


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Suikoden © Konami. Yummy fanfiction.

**Turning Back**

by Billie

Chapter 2

It was still dark when a soldier came into the tent and nudged Seed, telling him to wake up. The troops were only allowed to rest for two hours in case the Jowston Army was close behind, and a handful still needed to remain awake during that time. They hadn't slept in days. Seed felt stiff and sore, so he stretched out his arms and legs; The muscles in his back, shoulders, buttocks, and limbs tightened then relaxed. He laid still for a moment before forcing himself to his feet. He didn't want to put his armor on just yet, but he threw on a black long-sleeve thermal shirt over the sleeveless top he was wearing. Stepping outside the tent sent a chill through Seed's body, erecting the short hairs on his arms and legs.

There was a pale gleaming light crawling over the horizon, and the grass had a shimmering blanket of dew spread over it. He began a brisk walk to the nearby stream, with his hands tucked under his arms at his sides to keep himself warm. The moisture soaked into his socks, making his toes tingle. Upon reaching the water's edge, he stretched again and brushed both hands through his hair, his fingers getting entangled in the small knots made by the restless two hours before. As he crouched beside the quiet river, he looked into the water, eyeing his reflection, resting his forearms on his knees. He didn't look at his reflection very often in mirrors, but he thought he looked much older than he used to.

_Runes, I look like shit. _

He plunged his hands into the water and began scrubbing them, washing the dirt off his palms and from the creases of his knuckles. He wished he could wash away the sins of killing hundreds of men, but he could never forget what he did, and he could never be forgiven.

He cupped his hands together and brought the fresh water to his face, causing his entire body to tremble. "That's cold!" Talking aloud always made Seed feel a little bit better. Bringing the water to his face again, he brushed his long red bangs away from his eyes. He suddenly remembered a Captain from the Unicorn Brigade commenting on his hands. They were coarse for a child's. As he brought his hands down from his face, he looked at them curiously. Sleep was still lingering in his vision, leaving his hands a blurry mess of ten fingers. Rubbing his eyes, he looked again, trying to see what other people had seen. There were some small flecks of scars on his palms and fingers. …Did they see a peasant?

L'Renouille was less than a day's travel, but they would be passing the town of Croí and the village Senna on their way there. Seed hadn't told anyone, but he grew up in Croí. He had always lied and said that he lived in L'Renouille because it was the capitol of Highland, which seems to demand more respect than a small town of peasants. Seed's mother, Sila, worked as a laundress for a noblewoman in L'Renouille, and she went there every five days. Seed would go with her and help out in the fields while she was in the city. He didn't like working for his father, Bruss. When Seed was around the age of thirteen, he was strong enough to start helping with the construction of new houses in Croí, which took him away from his father's shop.

"Seed! We need yer help if yer up to it!"

"What's goin' on?"

"We're buildin' another house. We don't like askin' kids to help, but we know yer cap'ble, and we could really use another pair o' han's."

"Sure!! I'll help!" Seed's eyes lit up.

The man grinned at the boy's fervor. "Youth…" He sighed nostalgically. "Well, follow me, but I do warn yer, yer gonna be exhausted by the time we're done! That enthusasm of yers is gonna simmer down right."

A tall, burly man walked over, drenched in sweat. "Who's the kid?"

"My name's Seed, sir."

"Whatcha callin' me sir for?"

"I'm sorry."

"Not that I reall' mind, I guess. No need to act s' nervous, we ain't gonna make ya work that hard."

The man who invited him put a hand on Seed's shoulder quizzically. "Are you okay?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine! So, what d' y' wan' me t'do?"

"Ya have one job, it's easy to 'member, so don't get side track' from it. Do ya know where the well is?"

"Yeah."

"There're stacks o' wood not far from it, if you go to the well an' look 'round, y' can't miss it. You bring the wood back to that house. There'll be two men workin' wit' ya, the rest of us're gonna be puttin' it together. An' the boards're big, so don't e'en try to bring more 'an one at a time."

"Okay."

"You're prolly gonna get tired real fast, but we won't think any less of ya for it, okay?"

"Sure."

"It's hard work."

"I'll be jus' fine."

"Awright." Without another word or gesture, the husky man returned to the house to continue building the skeletal structure.

At the sight of the scores of stacks of wood, Seed's heart pounded with both excitement and nervousness. Now was his chance to prove himself either strong or feeble, to himself and anyone who'd notice. His hands ached with eagerness to lift up one of the boards and carry it to the house, but concurrently, his knees grew weak beneath him. The workers doubted his endurance and ability, figuring his strength and determination would deteriorate, but all that did was drive him to pick up a board immediately and carry it back to the house.

The sun was blazing and hours passed until the sun slowly began to recede behind the trees. Seed had worked longer than some of the finest men amongst the working crowd. Some people urged him to take a break while others gave him words of encouragement, and others paid him no mind at all, treating him as if he was just another worker, which was something he appreciated just as much.

Raising another hefty board in his arms, Seed trudged past the well in the direction of the house. He wanted to watch it being built as he made his trips to and from the well but found himself staring at the ground, advocating himself to try a little harder, walk a little further, pick up one more board, and not give up. Nothing hurt like his hands did; they were bleeding and pink where the skin had not yet been broken. As he dragged himself from one place to another, the distance from the two points seemed to have grown tenfold. If he hadn't bought new boots a few days before, his feet surely would have been as sore as his hands, but the new shoes hadn't been completely worn in yet, causing his feet a trifle of pain.

As Seed began to pick up another piece of lumber, the man who invited him to help approached him.

"You're gettin' blood on the wood. …Why don'tcha return home naw?" he pried gently, but seeing the glazed and angry eyes of Seed, he recovered quickly, "An' come back tomorrow if yer up to wit. We could use yer help."

"'kay…"

"You take care of yourself till then."

"I will." Seed seemed to be told a lot not to hurt himself, and he wondered when he seemed so careless that he needed to be reminded so often.

"An' I think you should go by the stream on yer way home to wash yer hands, okay?"

"Okay."

"You sure you still wanna work with us?"

"Yeah."

"Here, before ya go, can ya help me carry this?" The old man nodded to a long, smooth, round fragment of lumber not too far from them.

"Sure." Meeting at opposite ends of the log, they hoisted it up simultaneously, and the man took a step back, then another, with Seed following in quick, short strides, pulling most of his weight into his arms to hold up the weight above him.

"Nice an' easy now." The man knew it was awkward to have him, a man of such great size, partnering with a boy to carry an object so hard to bear, but the boy was a worker too. He hadn't noticed before, but as Seed was struggling with the lumber, the muscles in his arms were well defined. It surprised the man because children Seed's age were usually still scrawny, but in a way, it was to be expected. Most men would have rested in half the time Seed spent walking back and forth across the village with the boards of wood.

Seed didn't want to stop short of their intent, but a sudden jolt of pain shot through his left arm from his shoulder causing him to drop the wood and jump back before being scraped or crushed by it. "Ow!!"

The man was overwhelmed by the weight of the log and dropped it beside him quickly. "Whoa! Now, goddammit, I knew you were overworkin' yerself! I shouldn'ta asked ya t' help! What happened?"

"Ugh… Old injury. Sorry."

"Great, an' ya'llready got yerself an 'old injury'!"

"I said I was sorry!"

"Hey now, I'm not mad, don' be 'ffended. But I don't want you to come back tomorrow. You just rest up, okay?"

Seed let out a frustrated sigh, "'kay."

"Go on now, before it gets too dark."

"Bye."

On his way home, Seed took the man's advice as more of a command and marched over to the stream, sulking at his defeat but feeling proud about his victory. Then, he heard footsteps. Behind him, they were loudly clumping through the mud, and it was a wonder how the person running hadn't yet slipped in it. Turning around, he was in time to witness a lean young man clumsily fall to the ground, flailing his arms and letting out a surprised shout at the sudden loss of traction.

"Are you okay?"

The man shakily stood up, holding a hand to his lower back. "Yeah, 'm 'k-kay."

"Why 'ere you runnin'?"

"I 'as try'n' t-t' c-catch up t' y'."

"Well, what for?" Seed had not before seen this strange man and couldn't think of a reason why he'd run after him.

"You're a kid, y' shouldn' b' w-walkin' all 'lone by th' riv'r. Y' could d-drown!"

"'m fine an' I ain't no kid jus' 'cause I'm young!"

"Well, 'at's 'ut makes a k-kid a kid, ain' it?"

"Okay, sure. Y' know, y' bring out the worst in me a'ready, I'm s'pposed to be losin' m' stupid accent!"

"There ain' n-nothin' stupid 'bout it."

"Well, m' old pa don' like it."

"Ah, ' see."

"Who're y' anyway?"

"Name's Ed, fr'm the village o' Senna. It only 'bout a m-mile 'way fr'm 'ere. What's yer name?"

"I'm Seed, an' I live right over there," he said, pointing toward no particular house in Croí.

The two approached the stream together in silence, bringing Seed back to his senses. He looked down at his hands, something he'd avoided doing for hours, and by merely looking at them, the sharp stinging in them increased. His sweat mixed with his blood, sending bitter stabbing sensations from the palms of his hands to the tips of his fingers. He sat down, letting the mud cling to his clothes, then slowly submerged his hands in the water. He cringed when he lifted them out and watched the pink water snake down his wrists and fall from his elbows. His hands trembled as he examined the torn flesh and the small splinters inside it.

Now Seed could see the scars clearly, the dull coarseness of his hands, and each and every crevice seemed all the more evident. His hands would always bear his past.

_Luca Blight, that bastard… _

He'd burned and pillaged villages. Seed was horrified by it, but he tried to justify what was happening with thoughts like, 'This is for the good of Highland' and 'It's our duty', but he could never forgive himself or Luca.

_They were like me…like all of us. They were just on the wrong side of this war. _

People who had never held a weapon in their lives were forced to run or fight, but in the end, they were all slaughtered like lambs by a pack of wolves. Luca had massacred too many, and to top it off, he humiliated them before he stole their lives away. First went their dignity, then their last breath. Men, women, and children. Seed abhorred it.

_No, not like me… They were innocent. _

"Seed, there you are. We need to go. Hurry up." Culgan was standing behind Seed, suppressing a yawn.

"Right… Sorry." Gladly interrupted from sulking, Seed stood up and wiped his hands dry on his pants, then walked up the hill with Culgan back to the tent.

"We'll be back in L'Renouille before nightfall," Culgan said, tying the tent flaps aside.

"Yeah. Think we'll have any time to ourselves before Leon briefs us?"

"I doubt it."

"Yeah... didn't think so," Seed sighed, putting on his greaves.

"Supposing we do have time, are you going to go home for a while?"

"No."

"…Why not?"

After a long pause, Seed confessed, "I sent my parents money to move to L'Renouille. I figured by the time this war ended, I could live there myself."

Culgan handed Seed his breast plate and said nothing.

"You're not mad that I lied, are ya?"

"No. I understand," Culgan answered as he picked up Seed's gauntlets off the floor, "You know you have nothing to be ashamed of. You became a great General."

Seed grinned, adjusting his armor as Culgan handed him his jacket and gauntlets. "Yeah."

"Put them on outside. We need to go."

"Okay."

The two mounted their horses and led their troops north east. It was a few hours before the army met the town of Croí and the neighboring village of Senna. As the troops passed through, townspeople emerged from their homes, looking defeated and depressed. The troops mirrored their feelings of despair. Seed tried not to look at them and tried not to look so unhappy. But inside he hoped that they wouldn't witness their country's flag burning like he'd witnessed in Rockaxe. Some people didn't care who won the war, but some people felt the same way he did, and seeing Highland shamed in such a way was unbearable. He knew now that the chances of victory were slim, but he couldn't give up. He couldn't live in a country that wasn't his.

_No matter what… I'll fight for Highland._

* * *

A/N: Ending this chapter was hard for me. I couldn't get it to flow right. And dammit, I am bringing myself down with all this angst! The next chapter isn't much happier but it's not due to the war. Don't worry, there will be a "fun" chapter in here somewhere. Seed is a fun and cute guy after all, he's not all angsty all the time! No one thinks of Seed and thinks "angst", right? I think of "finesse" because of his use of the word. lol Anyway, thanks for reading. 


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